woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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