If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
