im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
