wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
