she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
