wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
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Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
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we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize