I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
