True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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