i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
ttyl tear gas
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
