Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
