thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
