I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
