Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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