I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
