I cannot find my penis.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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