you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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