I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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