i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
