did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
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So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
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Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.