I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats