Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?