If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
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about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
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She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So vagazzling was a success
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