Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
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being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
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He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.