I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
