So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
