they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
