I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.