this boner is exhausting
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
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Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
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He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.