Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
accomplished twins. life is a go
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
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I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
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okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not