If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
