i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We left the knife in your bed.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
