There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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