A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize