Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
