You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
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You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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