She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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