we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd