I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
