shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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