I'm so fucking centered right now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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