i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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