I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
