Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
