after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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