I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
