fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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