Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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