I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
