i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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