so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
