Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
