I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
