life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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