I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
