Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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