Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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