Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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