If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
