I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
