there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
