I hate all girls vehemently.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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